Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
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Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Spider-cat: No One Home
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.