[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
You Might Also Like
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.