*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.