“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
You Might Also Like
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker