its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
#TopTip
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.