As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”