Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
My god she’s good.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Basically.