If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
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