Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
for all #parents out there
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting