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Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.