Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I’m awake but I object,
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes