Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful