All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
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Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.