A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me too door. Me too.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE