Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
#CatsOnTwitter
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
This is no longer winter this is harassment
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol