Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
You Might Also Like
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa