Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
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me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters