Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
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“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
this is the best interaction on twitter
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*