i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.