when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
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Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Best spoiler warning ever
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Bread puns are on the rise!
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
S O O N
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner