“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss