When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!