Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
when someone rings the doorbell
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?