My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
こいつ天才
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.