I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
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Dear Lord..
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”