Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.