Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
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[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
man: wait
time: no
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times