I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
You Might Also Like
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
@ candidates for local office
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Our lord and savoury.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
found my next D&D character name
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Meeeee too!
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on