Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
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I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey