PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.