Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
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9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.