Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*