*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay