boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
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I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.