[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
this could fix me
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”