The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.