Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
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me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.