Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Called it
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down