How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts