bias laundering edition
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
When you’re Kinky but poor
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.