Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold