Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
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The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Breaking news:
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.