Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
the battle rages on
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
🍞🦆