this has to be peak English
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
that lip filler tho
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money