people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
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“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.