Hell yeah 👍
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If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
What a website
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids