my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …