What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
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I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.