I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You Might Also Like
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Perfect.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.