DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first